I LOVE YOU, BUT…

I LOVE YOU, BUT…

 

Awê Ma Se Kinnes!

Bad breath.  Weird toes.  Snoring at night.  Complete personality change when drunk.  Talks unexpectedly loud in a restaurant.  Laughs even louder in the same restaurant.

What I’m trying to ask is: what’s a valid reason to break up with someone even though you are dik in love?  Some people say that love conquers all.  But people who have been in relationships for a little while know that that’s not entirely true.  Especially if you’re a little bit fussy.

If people are wearing sandals, I immediately look at their toes.  It’s actually a big thing for me.  Having said that, I don’t think that I would break up with someone just because his toes look funny – but I will think about the situation.  (Disclaimer: Anwar has nice toes).  Now this is the interesting part.  I think that I have such a thing about toes because I have issues with my own. My small toes look like they were not in the same room with the other 8 when Jesus made them.  Ja I will have some questions when I get to heaven.

And one more thing about the toe story: you owe it to your partner to let her see your toes before anybody brings anybody’s milkshake to the yard.  Particularly if you know that your toes are worthy of a discussion.   Not all surprises are lovely.  Display your toes in the first week.  It’s the right thing to do.

Bad breath I’m sure is manageable these days.  The tricky part is when to raise the topic.  While writing this and thinking about it more carefully, I realize that the conversation needs to be had quite early on   Due to kissing and stuff.  Put that way, the topic is actually unavoidable.  Wow.  Could actually be a deal-breaker if not nipped in the bud.

Whilst we are with toes, let’s just soema go to smelly feet as well.  There are some people who take off their shoes and make my afro go straight.  Don’t be one of those people.  The world is a wonderful place as far as solutions to such problems go.  Google will help you bigtime.  Don’t let that pong ruin a sexy night at a 5 star hotel.  Shame man.  Imagine that.  Remembering your night at the Silo for all the wrong reasons.

Most of what I’ve spoken about thus far is perfectly fixable so that no dramatic break-up via WhatsApp is required.  There are other things though, that after the first or second date, should make you go mmmm I’m not so sure.  A complete personality change after one glass too many may make you want to keep walking faster than Johnnie Walker.  Hell, you might even want to sprint outta there.  An oh-so-valid reason for a quick break-up way before you even get to change your Facebook status to in a relationshit.  The worst personality change is that one that shifts from nice person to argumentative and looking for kak.  Again, run!  That story’s only going to get more severe.  But it would be unfair of me to touch on this topic and not admit that there are some characters out there who actually become very charming and almost endearing on the third glass.  You may want to stick around and enjoy that person, for your own entertainment.  I don’t know, maybe it’s then that he carries on about how much the friendship means to him.  Maybe it’s then that he sings the whole Whitney Greatest Hits album to you.  Maybe he’s a comedian, I don’t know!

Finally, there’s the business of shockingly discovering that your date has the loudest laugh in the restaurant.  And your date laughs a lot.  At everything.  And it’s not just the laugh.  Your date speaks really loudly too.  Now the decision will be entirely up to you here.  Do you just go with the flow or do you actually say check here babe you talking and laughing a bietjie loud man and it’s too cold to get an outside table far away from everybody else?  That might not work out so well for you.  But weigh up your options.  I mean, if THAT’S the noise level at Ocean Basket, can you just imagine what’s going to happen when you get to the room!?!

You decide.  Good Luck!

Uncle Marc

Uncle Marc

UNCLE MARC is Marc Lottering’s brand new stand-up comedy show.

“Over the last little while, several people, including complete strangers in Shoprite, have been calling me UNCLE MARC.  I’m not sure how I feel about it.  Let’s chat about this, and some other stuff please”.

Marc is one of SA’s top comedians.  The show is not suitable for children.

UNCLE MARC runs for 80 mins with no interval.

CAPE TOWN - 11-28 MAY

BAXTER THEATRE

PRETORIA - 8 JUNE

ATTERBURY THEATRE

PRETORIA - 9 JUNE

ATTERBURY THEATRE

CAPE TOWN - 21 JUNE

DIE BOER

CAPE TOWN - 22 JUNE

DIE BOER

CAPE TOWN - 28 JUNE - 9 JULY

THEATRE ON THE BAY

JOBURG - 10 - 21 AUG

MONTECASINO THEATRE

TELL FAZLIN!

TELL FAZLIN!

Awê Ma Se Kinnes!

Yesterday, while she was enthusiastically chatting with a group of us, I told my friend Fazlin that she had a bogie in her nose.  One of those bogie’s that love styling right on the edge of the cliff.   Fazlin was eternally grateful. She quickly got rid of the culprit and continued with the conversation.  Can everybody please be like me?  That was the right thing to do.  That’s what a good friend should do.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve animatedly been telling a story to a group of friends without anyone timeously pointing out that we have an elephant in the nasal room.  Nobody tells you until much later.  When it really is too late.  When the story is done.  It is only then that someone quietly leans over and softly says: “My bru, your nose.”  It’s always a horrible moment for me.   Especially when I’ve desperately been trying to be cool.  And suddenly so many things start making sense.  Suddenly I start thinking that’s why they didn’t laugh their moer at my story because they were feeling bad for me and mister Bo Jangles.  Dammit all!

I can understand how the delay happens.  The delay with the big disclosure.  There’s a very small window period once you see the landmine for the very first time.  As tricky as it is, you actually need to not even think about it for a second and immediately go: “Fazlin, your nose baby.”  Ga-gwa!  It’s over and done with.  Fazlin immediately cleans up her act – everyone else is relieved – and life as we know it carries on.

If you wait for longer than 3 minutes to tell Fazlin – then it’s too late.  You can’t interrupt her story now.  You’ve waited too long.  You’re going to have to wait until she’s done.  And now nobody is really listening to her story.  Nobody is hanging on to her every word because the only thing hanging is you-know-what.  The entire little group is now panicking: OMG who is going to tell her – Oh shit nobody is going to tell her – Oh no how long is this story – Flip man, if only she kept her mask on!

There are some other things a good friend should also tell you.  Even if it’s treading on tricky terrain.  Things like, “Fazlin the boyfriend you have now is a pig – tell him to mince.”  That means show him the door.  Now this can obviously go one of two ways.  Fazlin can tell you to mind your own business.  She can ruk herself up and tell you that you’re just jealous because she’s getting hot action every night while you’re just sitting at home with Romany Creams watching a b-grade movie.  You must make an allowance for the latter turn of events.  Fazlin could of course also completely surprise you and say that she’s had a kak feeling about dinges for a while now and that she’s going to take your advice and move on.  Whatever the outcome, you must do the right thing man.  Otherwise there’s no point in being called bestie.

Bestie should also have the space to tell Fazlin that she has a really strange haircut.  Particularly if Fazlin’s other twee-gevriet acquaintances are skinnering about the new haircut behind Fazlin’s back.  And yes, I completely understand that we all have the right to live our lives to the fullest regardless as to what any other idiot thinks about what we do with our hair.  I mean, I’m the last one to comment on interesting haircuts.  But I’m referring to haircuts that have gone completely wrong.  You know those haircuts that look like it’s been done by someone who has the shakes after trying tik for the sixtieth time – that day.  Tell Fazlin!

And then, a good friend does not go quiet when he suddenly finds himself in the middle of a skinne session about Fazlin.  Don’t even wait to hear how the story ends.  Soema jump in immediately with, “Ok awks, she’s a close friend so let’s change the topic please – or I may have to leave.  Sorry.”  The skinnebek will feel terrible.  Which is absolutely perfect.  You don’t get a gold star for talking kak about other people.

Shoo.  I’ve just read all of this again and I realized that I’m far from a fabulous friend.  Look at God ne.  Using me to see the error of my own ways.  “I’m just Vessel” – for me today!

WHAT SONG ARE WE PLAYING AT YOUR FUNERAL?

WHAT SONG ARE WE PLAYING AT YOUR FUNERAL?

Awê Ma Se Kinnes

Music is everything.  Have you already told your family what song you’d like for them to play at your funeral?  You mussss.  It’s important. That’s of course if you want any music during your funeral service.  But you should have at least one song.  Don’t be boring.  Or as they say in the classics, don’t be droeg.

But before we even get to your possible funeral playlist, let’s just acknowledge that life would be oh so odd if we existed in a world void of songs.  The older you get, the more you realize how the different chapters of our lives are connected to music.

I still go onto YouTube (generally when I’m meant to be working), and I check out the songs from old TV shows, and then I get all nostalgic and stuff.  And I smile.  Because that’s what music can evoke.  You remember being safe and happy when you heard the opening bars to Wielie Walie or Heidi or Pinocchio.  I still know all the lyrics to the Pinocchio song.  Houtkabouter, Jy’s ‘n Stouter, Jy laat jou tog so maklik vang, en raak dan altyd vreeslik bang, jou klein kalant.  Don’t get me started.  Ah man, the joys of totally believing that a wooden boy’s nose would grow longer whenever he lied.   Life was beautiful.

But songs can break your heart as well.  I can hear a particular song and immediately know where I was, and with whom.  Especially those break-up nommers.  James Ingram.  Oh my nerves.  How hectic was that one album.  There’s no easy way to break somebody’s heart.  How can people write songs like that!  And no matter how you try to be kind, there’s always still a part of you you leave behind, ’cause when it falls apart, there’s no easy way to break somebody’s heart.  The married people reading this will know how awkward the mood can get in the lounge when a song suddenly plays and you both know that this has something to do with your ex.  Jirre Bronwyn.  At that point you soema nervously offer your husband tea.

(Listen to that James Ingram track tonight and listen to the way he sings the very last line – my nipples can’t handle it!)

As much as the break-up songs can tear us apart whenever we hear them,  the make-up songs are often the ones that make couples shout OMG THIS IS OUR SONG!  Some couples even choose that song as their special song to open the dancefloor at the wedding.  It’s often a song that hints at what they’ve been through on their journey to get to that special day.  So don’t select Radiohead’s CREEP.

To this day still, the dancefloor at the wedding gets busy all over the world when the experienced DJ whips out the sure winners like DANCING QUEEN and I WILL SURVIVE.  Timeless stuff that makes you believe that you are the best dancer this side of the equator.  After that second shooter, naturally.

Because music has pretty much been with you all your life, it is then only fair that you leave the planet accompanied by your song of choice.  My people already know that I’m forever a Whitney fan so they will be spoilt for choice.  Okay, maybe I should narrow the list down for them.  I mean I WANNA DANCE WITH SOMEBODY would just be wrong.  I have zero intention of coming to visit anyone.  Lussie om te spoekie.

So choose your exit number.  Otherwise your family will choose for you.  And they are capable of making very silly choices.  Someone told me he was at a funeral where, as the coffin was being carried out of the church, they played YOU RAISE ME UP.

No.  Just no.