Awê Ma Se Kinnes

Rest in Peace Our Beloved Arch.  What an outpouring yesterday. From across the globe. So much Love, Respect and Adoration. Archbishop Desmond Tutu was a Giant amongst Men. And this sentiment was echoed by so many. It made me think about what people will say about the rest of us when we are no longer here. A person should think about these things. And when you do, you will strive to be a better person in life. Be more lekke with others. Don’t be a vark. Because you want your funeral service to be fabulous. Especially that part of your funeral service where others get to talk about you.

I’ve been to a few funerals in my lifetime where I had to hide my grin when I realized that people were struggling to find a nice thing to say about the dearly departed. And it’s even funnier when you realize that the entire congregation knows that dinges was not a lovely character at all.

I’ve even attended a service where the Pastor decided to say bugger all about the person chilling in the coffin and instead proceeded to deliver a beautiful sermon about the importance of being kind to each other. Now while that’s a movingly important message indeed, you’re kinda preaching to the dead if the main culprit, her of UNKINDNESS DOT COM, is now gracing the cover of the freshly photocopied funeral bulletin.

Wait. Let me then maybe backtrack so ‘n bietjie. Maybe people who are not lovely should NOT strive to be lekke people and instead just continue to roam the planet as horrible people. And then when we talk at their memorial or funeral service, we simply get up and tell the truth and “celebrate” them for who they really were.  THAT most certainly would make these gatherings so much more enjoyable. After all, we all know that most of these things have an after party with snack platters, pots of curry, and booze from the boot of Uncle Whatsisname’s car. So we might as well gear up for the party, balls to the wall.

Imagine being able to stroll up to the podium, knowingly sneak a glance at the coffin, clear your throat, whip out your phone, and gooi:

“Graham was married to Jill, but was having an affair with Nicole from Milnerton. I know that most of us sitting here knew about it. Many of us here tried to talk to him – even I tried to talk to him out of the affair – but he wouldn’t listen. He was adamant that he was no longer in love with his wife but was now in love with Nicole. Even Graham’s brothers couldn’t talk to him about this. He wouldn’t listen to them. Essentially because one brother also has a skelmpie on the side and the other brother is an alcoholic. Their family has always been deurmekaar. They are all here – they will tell you themselves. You’ll see at the after party.

 I see Graham’s neighbours are also here. I remember Graham always talking shit about his neighbours. He knew that you guys called him ‘suurlamoen gevriet’ behind his back. Graham mos never smiled. Whether it was at work or at home. He maintained that smiling was overrated and it took too much effort, for zero reward. You guys who lived in the same road with Graham wanted him to join the neighbourhood watch but he refused. He used to say to me: ‘their houses are so kak why would anyone want to break in! I’m not missing out on my sleep because of those delusional losers.'” 

That is the kinda tribute that can go either way. But whatever happens, if you didn’t know the real Graham, you will know who he was after that day.

Enough about that. We started with the Arch. Let’s end with The Arch. Today he would want us to smile. I have been lucky enough to meet him a few times and he thoroughly enjoyed laughing. He thoroughly enjoyed telling jokes. And he thoroughly enjoyed laughing at his own jokes!

There’s a Joyous Jol in heaven right now.

Rest Well, Beautiful Man x

Marc Lottering - The Tribute